This blog is one gaijin's attempt to learn Japanese through mnemonics, puns, and general linguistic absurdity.

Looking for Fractalsmith Games? Sorry, but Ed Siewert, the creative force behind Fractalsmith, has decided to focus his efforts on making cheesy Japanese puns instead of cheesy computer games.

Thursday, December 28, 2017

Foot Locker

Aさん:「OK, welcome to your first day on the job at Foot Locker.  Let me explain what you say to customers when they enter the store.   You greet them, then let them take a seat, then finally, ask them what shoe size they are.」
Zさん:"So... size shoe は最終?"
Aさん:「... indeed, but in general, tautologies don't equate to sales. 」

Friday, December 22, 2017

Visiting Europe

Aさん:「So I am going on vacation to Europe.  My plan is to spend exactly one day in each of the capital cities of each country in Europe.  That itinerary is neat, eh?」
Zさん:"Every itinerary is 日程."

Thursday, December 14, 2017

Family Feud

Steve Harvey: "John, there is one correct answer left up on the board, and your family has two strikes.  If you get it right, your family wins.  If not, the Jones family will have a chance to steal.  Are you ready?"
John Smith: "Yes."
Steve Harvey: "Name a celebrity with the last name 'Allen'."
John Smith: "I'll go with Keegan. Keegan Allen."
Steve Harvey: "Ok... for the win... Show Me Keegan!"


Zさん:"I didn't know Family Feud had an expiration date."

Friday, December 8, 2017

Particle Man

Zさん:"... dammit!"

Friday, December 1, 2017


Zさん:"I have a riddle for you."
Aさん:「Ok, shoot.」
Zさん:"What was the one thing Napoleon could not do, that caused his conquest to fail."
Aさん:「I don't know, what?」
Aさん:「... that's actually pretty clever.」

Friday, November 24, 2017

Under the Sea

Zさん:"そーか。ね、ね、それは『ファインディング・にも 』ですね。"

Saturday, November 18, 2017


Zさん:"Save us?"
Zさん:"Save (my) ass?"
Zさん:"Oh! Save (the) earth!  Why didn't you say so?"

Friday, November 10, 2017

Pirates and Stuff

Bさん:「What are you watching?」
Zさん:"One Piece."
Bさん:「... so... what, like ふじんふく?」
Zさん:"No, it's an アニメ show about pirates and stuff."
Bさん:「... I'd rather watch ふじんふく...」

Saturday, November 4, 2017

Flower Garden

Zさん:"Bさん、what happened to your flower garden?"
Bさん:「Oh no! It's ruined! Dくん、did you trample my flower garden? You are in hot water mister!」
Dくん:「湯 is hot water.」
Zさん:"... well, he's got you there."

Friday, October 27, 2017


Bさん:「Everything on the menu at this restaurant looks great.  Let's start with an appetizer.  Craving anything in particular?」
Bさん:「。。。I've heard of people wearing those on their tummies for warmth, but I don't think eating one would have the same effect.」

Friday, October 20, 2017


Zさん:"元気だよ。Bさん, this is my friend, Tatsu.  He works for クロネコヤマト。"
Bさん:「Hi, Tatsu.」
Tatsuさん:「Yes, exactly.」

Friday, October 13, 2017

At the Carnival

Zさん:"Hey, I'm getting hungry.  Let's stop somewhere to get a bite to eat."
Aさん:「Yeah, I agree.  アメリカンドッグを食べたい。」
Zさん:"Wait... what?!? You mean like a golden retriever or a beagle?  What is wrong with you, that's evil!"
Aさん:「... 『 アメリカンドッグ』means 'corn dog'.」
Zさん:"... oh... yeah... I knew that... corn dogs are evil, what with the cholesterol and all..."

Saturday, October 7, 2017

Mt. Fuji

Zさん:"You know, as much as Japanese people revere Mt Fuji, you would think they would use the term 富士様."
Bさん:「。。。whatever you say, Z三。」

Friday, September 29, 2017


Zさん and Cさん are driving in a car.

Zさん:"I've been really looking forward to this party.  It's going to be fun."
Cさん:「Yes.  でも、can we go to スーパー, before?」
Zさん:"Sure, but it's back the other way. We'll have to make a u-ey."

Saturday, September 23, 2017

Aさん:「Oh no, it happened again!」
Zさん:"What happened?"
Aさん:「My cat coughed up a hairball into my shoe.  He does it every Saturday, like clockwork.  毎週、my shoe!」
Zさん:"... your kingdom for your shoe...?"
Aさん:「。。。you're not helping, Catesby

Friday, September 15, 2017


日本人:「。。。?。。。fluent, fluent, fluent。」

Friday, September 8, 2017

Star Trek:Voyager

Zさん:"I heard you are collecting Star Trek:Voyager action figures. Which one did you want?"
Zさん:"... so I should ちゃこる?"

Thursday, August 31, 2017

Celery in Space

Zさん:"Have you heard about the NASA satellite that is measuring the amount of water in the top 2 inches of soil everywhere on the Earth’s surface?  It is called Soil Moisture Active Passive* or S.M.A.P. for short."

Aさん:「I thought they broke up.」

*NASA really has a SMAP mission, I'm not making this up. 

Friday, August 25, 2017

Takeout Chinese

Zさん:"I brought home takeout Chinese.  Where do you want to eat?"
Zさん:"I said 'where' not 'when'."

Friday, August 18, 2017



ミスタースパーコル:"Mmm... 日食..."

Saturday, August 12, 2017


Zさん:"So, what was your favorite class back in school?"
Zさん:"... you studied the art of war? ..."

Friday, August 4, 2017

バート & Katsuo

Zさん:"You know, I've been thinking about it and Bart Simpson and いそのカツオ are really quite similar."
Aさん:「How so?」
Zさん:"Well, they're both spiky-haired, trouble-making tween-agers, they both do poorly in school, and each of their best friends is a non-nerdy kid with glasses, Milhouse and ひろし."
Aさん:「Quite true.」
Zさん:"... and ... they each have two sisters and no brothers, and their fathers are bald and have angry catch phrases: 'Why you little!' and 「バカモン!」"
Aさん:「All very true, but you forgot the most important thing.」
Zさん:"What's that?"
Aさん:「Each of their respective shows jumped the shark decades ago.」

Friday, July 28, 2017

The Cat's Age

Zさん:"How's your cat doing?"
Aさん:「Good.  I recently took him to the vet to get his shots.  You know, I had forgotten my cat's age.  I thought he was 3 years old, but I wasn't sure.  So I asked the vet to check the cat's records, and sure enough, the cat is 3!」
Zさん:"So, 先生三歳賛成する?"
Aさん:「Yes... and the vet is third generation American.」

Friday, July 21, 2017


Aさん:「ありがとうございます! Glad you could make it, how was the drive over?」
Zさん:"Couldn't tell you.  I took the bus."
Zさん:"You know, I honestly do enjoy riding on the bus.  It's great.  Put it this way... ハッピー、バスで"
Aさん:「。。。I really hope that pun wasn't my present.」

Thursday, July 13, 2017


Baby Groot:"I am Groot."
Baby Groot:"I am Groot."
Baby Groot:"I am Groot."
Baby Groot:"We are Groot."

Zさん:"It's true what they say.  Groot minds think alike."

Saturday, July 8, 2017


Bさん:「Guess what I made for dinner?  Steamed broccoli, cauliflower, zucchini, carrots, and brussel sprouts!」
Zさん:"... You know... you look forward to dinner ... hoping for something delicious ... and you look down at your plate and see a big pile of vegetables, and well ... ya sigh."
Bさん:「... just eat your food, funny man ...」

Friday, June 30, 2017

On Sale

Zさん:"Hey, I heard Kinokuniya is having a BOGO textbook sale.  Wanna go?"
Cさん:「... but I am ... native Japanese speaker.」

Saturday, June 24, 2017

Scary Story

Zさん:"... and the old man entered the dilapidated, creepy house.  That it was scary would be an understatement.  A loose floorboard creaked under his footstep.  Cobwebs hung from every corner.  Bats squeaked off in the distance ... and then ... the old man lived a long time, his health slowly decreasing over several decades ... dan! dan! dan!"

Friday, June 16, 2017


Zさん:"So do they pay you in ... heh heh ... キャッシュ?"
Bさん:「No.  Cashews.」

Friday, June 9, 2017


Zさん:"Why is 美しい such an ugly-sounding word?"

Saturday, June 3, 2017

Everything's Fine

Aさん:「What would you think if I were to say, everything's fine?」
Bさん:「I don't know, what?」

Friday, May 26, 2017

Cookie Monster

Zさん:"What did Cookie Monster say when he got a breath of fresh air?"
Aさん:「I don't know, what did Cookie Monster say when he got a breath of fresh air?」

Friday, March 3, 2017


Aさん:「Ah! Nothing like hot, fresh green tea.」
Zさん:"So, you're drinking your お茶 in a big coffee mug?"
Aさん:「Sure, what would you drink お茶 out of?"
Zさん:"Well,  you know me..."

Saturday, February 25, 2017


Zさん:"Hey, let's get takeout tonight for dinner.  Are you craving anything in particular?  Chinese? American? Italian?"
Aさん:「How about Cuban?」
Zさん:"... so... the ninth restaurant?"

Friday, February 17, 2017


Zさん:"Wow, that must have been the best sushi I've ever eaten."
Aさん:「Hey, didn't I tell you the sushi at this restaurant is delicious?」
Zさん:"Absolutely.  I must say... the horse won."
Aさん:「... horse? ... won?」

Saturday, February 11, 2017


Aさん:「Hey, did you do laundry?」
Aさん:「。。。the Colonel's chicken with 11 herbs and spices may be delicious, but hardly able to clean clothes.」

Friday, February 3, 2017


Zさん:"ね、ね、I have a riddle for you."
Bさん:「Sounds like fun, what is it?」
Zさん:"What do you call it when a rabbit and an eel wear jackets?"
Bさん:「I don't know, what do you call it when a rabbit and an eel wear jackets?」
Bさん:「That's so cute, especially considering rabbits and eels have neither the necessity nor the capacity to wear jackets, and furthermore they would look absurd doing so.」
Zさん:"... I was going for the random wordplay, but sure ..."

Friday, January 27, 2017

Shopping List

Zさん:"Hey, I'm heading to the supermarket, need anything?"

Saturday, January 14, 2017

The Dos of the Deities

Zさん:"ね、ね、I have a riddle for you."
Aさん:「Ok, shoot.」
Zさん:"What do you call the hair of the paper god?"
Aさん:「I don't know, what do you call the hair of the paper god?」
Aさん:「... I would find that humorous if it weren't for the borderline Shinto blasphemy.」

Friday, January 6, 2017

Need A Break

Aさん and Zさん are driving in a car and it stops suddenly.

Zさん:"Whoa! The car in front of us stopped and we almost crashed into it.  Luckily, your car has those new computer sensors and could stop automatically."
Aさん:「Not exactly.  I just stepped on the breaks in time. 」
Zさん:"... no, I think the car stopped automatically. 車がとまる。"
Aさん:「I disagree.  私は車をとめる。」
Zさん:"You say とめる and I say とまる."
Aさん:「I say とめる and you say とまる.」