Long Ago in a Virtual Reality Far, Far Away

Zさん："In Star Wars: Rise of Skywalker, the main heroine is Rey, which in Japanese is 零, meaning zero.  In the Matrix movies, the hero Neo was "The One". Imagine the Star Wars/Matrix cross-over Software possibilities!"
Aさん：「As they say, software is nothing but Skywalkers and Andersons.」

The Power Of Christmas Lights

Cさん：「Zさん、you are ... master of holiday decorations. Can you help me... decorate... my house?」
Zさん："Yes I can. However, this is a serious undertaking. Decorating is an expensive, difficult, and dangerous endeavor.  I will need your consent."
Cさん：「Of course.  How else could you... plug in power cords.」

Jolly

Santa: "Ho! Ho! Ho!"
Zさん："So... wait... Santa Claus is an older Japanese あ婆さん, who chuckles coyly with her hand over her mouth?"

Japanese Piñata

Zさん："What happens when you break open a Japanese piñata?"
Aさん：「I don't know, what?」
Zさん："飴降り出す。"
Aさん：「Heh, heh. Sweet.」

Wordplay And Blasphemy Are Not Mutually Exclusive

Zさん："What is this place?"
Aさん：「This is a Shinto Shrine. You know, a place of worship. It's called a 神社。」
Zさん："Mmm... ジンジャー。"
Aさん：「... yes, well... see this wooden box? People throw money in as a kind of donation, or 寄付。」
Zさん：「Sutherland?」
Aさん：「... Seriously, dude...」
Zさん："2 for 2!"

JLPT 2019

Zさん："JLPT 2019!"
Aさん：「That's right, in North America on Dec 1.」
Zさん："Did you know they added a new section this year called 'Food & Culture'? "
Aさん：「Really? What will they test?」
Zさん："How to eat with chopsticks, how to slurp noodles, J-POP カラオケ singing, rock/paper/scissor strategy..."
Aさん：「Something tells me you are kidding, but I will enjoy studying anyway...」

Basketball

Dくん：「Ok, around the back, left-hand layup, nothing but net.」
Eくん：「Got it.」

Eくん attempts... but fails.

Dくん：「あっ！You've got 「う」！」

--

Games of horse are much shorter in Japan. Not because of a lack of talent, but because of a lack of カナ。

忙しい

Zさん："I was looking at the kanji for 忙しい, and I thought to myself, 'There is a big gap in this character. It is almost as if whoever designed it, was too busy, and could not find the time to finish it."

「に」

お爺さん：「Stop! What is your name?」
Aさん：「Aです。」
お爺さん：「What is your quest?」
Aさん：「To seek the Holy Grail.」
お爺さん：「What is the color of the go traffic signal?」
Aさん：「青い。」
お爺さん：「You may pass.」

お爺さん：「Stop! What is your name?」
Zさん：”Zです。”
お爺さん：「What is your quest?」
Zさん：”To seek the Holy Grail.”
お爺さん：「What is the color of the go traffic signal?」
Zさん：”Blue. ... no Green... Aaaaaaa!”

空港

Zさん："... so I am flying to Hawaii for a nice week's vacation.  Where are you going?"
Cさん：「ヨーロッパ。」
Zさん："... do you have a layover on Ganymede?"

米国 v 日本, Part II

Zさん："It's playoff time in America. Over the past few years, the MLB has been incorporating more and more video replay rules. Managers can challenge rulings on the field. On a challenged play, the refs pour over video, frame by excruciating frame, to determine if a fielders glove did in fact tag out a runner, for example.

"I once saw a baseball (or, 野球, if you will) game in Japan. At one point there was a runner on first, and the batter hit the ball to deep left field. The runner tried to make it all the way home, but the outfielder made an amazing throw to home plate.  The catcher caught the ball before the runner arrived, and tried to tag him out. The catcher's mitt (with the ball) missed the tag by a good 6 inches.  The runner was obviously safe.  But the umpire ruled him out.

"No one complained. No one booed.  There was no video review. No one kicked dirt onto the shoes of the umpire.  Everyone just accepted the call matter-of-factly.

"I have some theories why this happened. One, sometimes what should have happened, tells a better story than what actually happened, and Japanese people adjust the truth accordingly. Or two, it is really, really, engrained in the Japanese psyche to never challenge authority figures.

“Or maybe, just maybe, Japanese people realize baseball is just a game, and America takes sports way too seriously.”

Sushi-ya

寿司職人：「いらっしゃいませ！」
Zさん："こんにちは！。。。あのー。。。えと。。。あっ！ホタテください。"
寿司職人：「はい！ほたりますよ！」
Zさん："...?"

KitKat

Zさん："It looks like Japan is the core market Nestle uses to trial run crazy new KitKat flavors. There's Strawberry KitKat, Sake KitKat, Roasted Tea KitKat, ... and look at this! Peach Mint*!"
Aさん：「Peach Mint, huh. I wonder what's in Peach Mint.」
Zさん："... well... all you have to do is read the U.S. Constitution."

* This is a real thing!

Fetch

Zさん："So I see you are fixing the broken chair."
Aさん：「Yeah. Can you get me the screwdriver?」
Zさん："はい。取りに行く。"

ミスタースパーコル："Mmm...  鶏肉..."

Zさん："Not sure why, but I have a sudden craving for ケンタッキー..."

Family

Eさん：「Hi, Zさん, I would like you to meet my grandson, Dくん, 孫です。」
Zさん："Not a magical bloodline, huh."

米国 v 日本, Part I

Zさん："In America, there are singing competition reality TV shows. Prospective stars compete before an audience both live and in people's homes. Through survival of the fittest, it is pretty much guaranteed that the winner will be a very talented singer.

"In Japan in the 90s, there was a boy band called SMAP. Their leader was a guy by the name of Masahiro Nakai. He was charming, witty, and handsome. However, he could not sing at all -- completely tone deaf. But because he had the personality of what the leader of a boy band was supposed to have, he got the job."

Tattoo

Zさん："Hi, Bさん. Wow! That's a beautiful tattoo on your hand!"
Bさん：「Thanks! Yeah, it is an Indian design. Henna Tattoo です。」
Zさん："... well, it is a little unusual, but I wouldn't go that far."

星空

ALFEE：「。。。カシオペアを見上げ。。。」
Zさん："... so this song is about taking a spaceship to a distant star cluster and bringing back souvenirs?”

Wrapped

Zさん："The kanji for 包む makes me smile. It's like two つ's wrapped up together."

Emotionally Weary

Zさん："Question: How does one go from 疲れた to 疲れはてた?"
Aさん：「I don't know.」
Zさん："Add 'hate'."

Schedule

Zさん："Watch out! Our boss, Ms. Smith, is pissed because our team missed the deadline."
Cさん：「締め切り。。。」
Zさん："Not just Lee, she may kill all of us!"
Cさん：「？」

Particle Man

先生：「... and as we know, through the use of the Large Hadron Collider, scientists proved the existence of the Higgs Boson Particle.  Now, would someone please explain the function of the Higgs Boson, as arguably the most important particle... Mr. Z?」
Zさん："Um... 私 Higgs Boson Mr. Z です。"
先生：「Once again, Mr. Z, you are as insightful as you are reverent.」

Is There Anything They Can't Do?

[Skype]

Zさん："Aさん！久しぶり！How's life in Japan?"
Aさん：「Great! But the weather is changing. Spring was beautiful and refreshing, but summer...」
Zさん："どう？夏？"

ミスタースパーコル："Mmm... Donuts..."

Zさん："Classic!"

Claw

Aさん：「That Japanese actor is on all the TV talk shows recently.」
Zさん："Yeah, he's the latest end of the eagle's foot."
Aさん：「... end ... of ...?」
Zさん："Talon Toe"
Aさん：「... Rest assured, one does not become a talon toe by creating extremely lame puns.」

野球選手の名前

Xさん：「... yeah, so since my wife and I are just too busy with work these days, we will have to hire someone to watch the kids. You know, a nanny.」
Zさん："A what."
Xさん：「A nanny.」
Zさん："A what."
Xさん：「A nanny.」
Zさん："A what."
Xさん：「I ... don't ... 」
Zさん："Third Base."

If Japanese People Had Invented Hexadecimal

零、カ九一カウ五四零

零、零五オ三九零イア

零、六二エ七八七オ五

零、イ零六一九エア七

零、四ウ三二ア八五オ

Layover

Aさん：「How is planning for your trip going?」
Zさん："Ok. The only flight I could get was with a layover in Boston.  What is the name of the airport there?"
Aさん：「Logan.」
Zさん："... as in the pilots are old and have bad eye sight? That does not fill me with confidence."

Zurui Onna?

Zさん："Hi, I'm Z. And you are...?"
女："My name is Sharon Quimby, but my friends call me 'Sharon Q'."
Zさん："... Bye bye, Arigatou, Sayonara!"
女："Either you are really old, or that is like the worst pick-up line ever."
Zさん："It's both."

Road Trip

Zさん："Man, driving across New Jersey is taking forever. Are we almost to New York?"
Cさん：「...Yes... after we cross... タッパン・ゼド」
Zさん："...? ... We're going to New York, not Canada."

バジンガーもうありません。

Read the Room

Zさん："このカフェはステキですね。"
Bさん：「そうですよね！コーヒーは美味しくて、皆んなは優しい。だけど、あの男はスマホで大声で話している。ケーワイーでしょう！」
Zさん："... the marital aid?..."

Pairs Well

Bさん：「The typical Japanese person eats eel with eel sauce, okonomiyaki with okonomiyaki sauce, tonkatsu with tonkatsu sauce, tempura with tempura sauce, and so on.

You put ketchup on everything.」

Zさん："... what ..."

Bread

Aさん：「Aw, man! I just bought this loaf of bread at the supermarket today, and it is already moldy and gross! This is terrible パン！」
Zさん："... well... this sentence is an even worse パン！"
Aさん：「。。。」
Zさん："See what I did there?"
Aさん：「。。。」

A Rose's Nourishment by Any Other Name

Zさん："That's a beautiful flower arrangement!"
Bさん：「Thank you!」
Zさん："So what is that liquid you are pouring on the flowers?"
Bさん：「It's a special solution that has the exact nutrients the flowers need.」
Zさん："So... it's はなみず。"
Bさん： 「... seriously? ...」

Oy Vey!

男："Are you ready for Passover?"
女："Not quite, I have more food shopping to do."

Zさん："... I think that woman is a Jew."
ドナルド："Nah, she's a 七, or 八 tops."
Zさん："Dude, Uncool! What is wrong with you!"

マンジャ、マンジャ

Aさん：「あっ、Zさん、ひさしぶり！元気ですか？」
Zさん："元気だよ！」
Aさん：「ネェネェ、最近、Zさんは旅行しましたでしょう。」
Zさん："そうだよ。イタリアのリゾート。"

ミスタースパーコル：「Mmm... Italian Risotto...」

Cookin' Prep

Zさん："料理する、ありがとう！"
Bさん：「いいえ、いいえ。」
Zさん："手伝わせてください。"
Bさん：「いいよ。トメトを切てください。私は玉ねぎを切ります。」
Zさん："玉ねぎ？ 寝ないで！"
Bさん：「。。。？」

Subaru

テレビ："Love. It's what makes a Subaru, a Subaru."

Zさん："... well ... that and a particular cluster of stars in the constellation Taurus."

How Do You Like Them Bananas

Aさん：「あっ！バナナ。食べていい？」
Zさん："どうぞ。"
Aさん：「ん。まだ熟していない。」
Zさん："What? How dare you!  Those bananas bust their butts studying every afternoon after school!"
Aさん：「Yeah... that's true... and I would like to see them get into a good college. 」

Sounds Like a Flower

Aさん：「きれいな花ですね！」
Zさん："... what a beautiful... nose?"
Aさん：「No, I meant "flower". In Japanese, the words for nose and flower are both pronounced "hana".」
Zさん："... so... they're... 'hana-phones'? "
Aさん：「... what?... 」

Alaska

Aさん：「I was reading online about this guy who lives in Alaska.  After several blizzards, he was snowed in to his house, and could not get out for months.  He died because of ... well... cabin fever.」
Zさん："Wow... so you're saying... vases are not only infectious, but also deadly?"
Aさん：「。。。」

Cinderella

Zさん："Wanna hear a joke?"
Aさん：「Yes, but I doubt you could supply one...」
Zさん："... anyway... what is Cinderella's favorite song?"
Aさん：「I don't know.」
Zさん："硝子の靴時代の。。。"
Aさん：「... ha! and her love interest is Prince ジャニー。」

Happy Valentine's Day

テレビ："Every Kiss begins with Kay!"

Zさん："Every kiss begins with 「エ」"
Bさん：「。。。」
Zさん："Well it does."
Bさん：「Some people are hopeless romantics.  You're just hopeless.」

The Buzz

Zさん：”Hey look, a bee hive! ... so what is Japanese word for ‘bee’ anyway?”
Aさん：「ハチ、just like the number 8. That’s because bees communicate with each other by dancing in a figure-eight pattern. Pretty cool, huh?」
Zさん："I guess, but 無限大 would be even cooler.”

Name That Season

Zさん："There was a blizzard last night! We're snowed in!"
Aさん：「Aw, nuts!」
Zさん："... or more accurately, 'Aw, 冬！' "
Aさん：「。。。」

Pretty Woman

Zさん："Look at the pretty blonde woman over there.”
Aさん：「You should go talk to her!」
Zさん："You know, I think I will.”

。。。

Zさん："Hi, I’m Z.”
女："I’m Kim Potts.”
Zさん：”Yes. Yes you are.”

おどるポンポコリン

「なんでもかんでもみんな
おどりをおどっているよ

おなべの中から　ボワっと
インチキおじさん　登場

いつだって　わすれない
。。。」

Zさん："... Zさんは　えらい人！"
Aさん：「そんなの。。。常識。。。じゃない」

二つの建物

Aさん：「今日、忙しい？」
Zさん：”そうですね。としょうかんにパスポートを更新する。それから、大使館に本を返す。”
Aさん：「Yeah... don’t forget to check your チーズ。」

Shrine

Zさん："This Japanese shrine is pretty cool. What are these two dog-lion-thing statues at the entrance?"

Aさん：「狛犬です。They are said to ward off evil spirits.」

Zさん："Wait... why does one have its mouth open and the other have its mouth closed?"

Aさん：「One is saying 'あ' which is the first character in the Japanese syllabary, and the other is saying 'ん' which is the last character.」

Zさん："So another way to look at it is ... the alpha and the omega?"

Aさん：「... you just blew my mind ...」