'Tis the Season

Aさん：「あ！その季節を大好きです。ステキですね！いい感じですね！」
Zさん："意。"
Aさん：「ハッ？」
Zさん："「い」「漢字」です。"
Aさん：「... Merry Christmas, Zさん.」

クリスマス・プレセント

Zさん："Merry Christmas, Aさん！This gift is for you."
Aさん：「ありがとう！。。。エ。。。ト。。。あっ！本だ！」
Zさん："... so... you're delusional and you think that's a car? That would have been a little out of the price range..."

Santa's Other List

Yさん：「Dくん！Time for bed!」
Dくん：「No! Not yet!」
Yさん：「If you don't, you'll be on Santa's Naughty List!」

ミスタースパーコル：「Mmm... 海苔 List」

Uber

Aさん：「Zさん！You're Uber is here! Hurry up! ドライバーいる！」
Zさん："... what, do you have a screw loose?"
Aさん：「... just go already... 」

Happy, Conscious, I

Aさん：「I have been reading an interesting psychology book lately. It is about the human mind, brain and thought. It is called "Happy, Conscious, I".」
Zさん："あっ、Aさんも、ハッピー感謝祭！"
Aさん：「... well said.」

Yogi Bear

Yogi Bear: "I will get that pick-a-nick basket because I am smarter than the average bear!"
Zさん："Oh, Yogi Bear, you are incorrigible!"
Cさん：「So... cartoon bear... is swimming?」

Sneezy!

Zさん："You know that thing where you feel like you have to sneeze, but then you can't after all? There is a Japanese phrase for that: 「出そうで出ない。」Isn't that interesting?"
Aさん：「面白そうで面白くない。」

The Sour Greeting

Zさん："おはようございます。"
Aさん：「オス。」 
Zさん："... yeah... pickles, wings, うめぼし, I like vinegar-y foods too!"

No Ants at a Picnic

Zさん："The other day I went on a picnic with my girlfriend. We went to a nice park and set up a blanket on the grass. It was good food and great company. Then out of nowhere, 10 ants climbed onto the blanket and headed for the food."
Aさん：「Oh no!」
Zさん："Right? But luckily an anteater showed up, and gobbled up the ants!" 
Aさん：「So what did you do?」
Zさん："What do you think? I said 蟻が十。"

普段

 Zさん："Here's a quick mnemonic device to remember the Japanese word 普段 (ふだん、hudan, which means 'usually'). In predictable, uncreative murder mystery stories, it is 'usually' obvious 'hudan' it."  

大雨

Bさん：「After the heavy rain storm, were you and your cat ok?」
Aさん：「I was fine. It was... あの... Sheba who got soaked.」
Cさん：「Why would ... a wet lawn matter?」
Bさん：「？」
Aさん：「？」 

Stinky Rhino

Dくん：「Hi Mr. Z!」
Zさん："Hey little man, how are you?"
Dくん：「Good! Wanna hear a funny joke?」
Zさん："Sure"
Dくん：「What do you say when a rhinoceros farts?」
Zさん："... I don't know ... what... "
Dくん：「サイオナラ！」
Zさん："... as fart jokes go, that's actually pretty good..." 

Eternity

Zさん："Hey. What's the Japanese word for 'eternity'?"
Aさん：「永遠。」
Zさん："... Fine... What's the Japanese word for 'an eternity'?

El Barto

Homer: "Bart! Did you pour out all my beer? Why you little..."
Bart: "Don't have a cow, man!"
--
Zさん："Wow, talk about losing face..."

万一

Bさん：「I saw the craziest video on YouTube. This golfer made a hole-in-one shot on a par 5 hole! 万一！」
Zさん："I don't know about the term 万一。Literally one out of ten thousand. That is not that rare."
Aさん：「I agree. English is a little better with the phrase "One in a million", but still not great.」
Bさん：「Guys... you are missing the point...」
Zさん："I think a better phrase would be 億一。"
Aさん：「Or even better 兆一。」
Bさん：「If you ask me, the chances you guys will be pedantic in conversation are 一一。」

Double Take and Call Me in the Morning

[At a Hospital]

Zさん："Hi, I'm Mr. Z, and I'm not feeling well."
看護師：「Ok, Mr. Z, over here is Doctor Joe. Show Joe the symptoms.」
Zさん："... is the seemingly unnecessary redundancy due to Covid-19 concerns?"

A Table For Some Reason

Zさん："So what's the deal with the kanji 「卓」? It's like someone had a car, one of the wheels broke, so they made it into a table for some reason"

Harley-Davidson

Zさん："What do you call it when a biker dude rides his Harley through a quiet residential neighborhood?"
Aさん：「I don't know, what?」
Zさん："ウルサイクル。"

Wheel Of Fortune

テレビ："Welcome to Wheel Of Fortune! ... and here is our host... Pat Sajak!"

Zさん："... I dunno... I think he's really more of a Pat 優しい。"

Hungry Bears

Zさん："I've got a riddle for you."
Aさん：「Shoot.」
Zさん："If a grizzly bear has no teeth, how does it get nutrition?"
Aさん：「I don't know.」
Zさん："魚 fish"
Aさん：「...? oooooh... I get it... clever.」

Beloved Disney Character?

Zさん："What do you call an alligator that can compact garbage and has a collection of kitschy stuff?"
Aさん：「I don't know, what?」
Zさん："W...a...n...i..."

違いを生きる

Zさん："I think the difference between the sexes can be expressed best through interpretation of a single Japanese word: かんじょう。To 女, the implied meaning is 感情, where as to 男 it is 勘定。" 

夕飯タイム、パート３

Zさん："What's for dessert?"

Bさん：「ブルーベリー、ストロベリー、おしゃべり。。。」

Zさん："That was ベリー clever!"

Aさん：「and I am ベリー sick of these puns...」

夕飯タイム、パート２

Bさん：「So what should we have for dinner?」

西岡何さん：「ぱりぱりの食べ物が美味しいよ。」

Zさん：「So you mean French French Food Food?」

夕飯タイム、パート１

Bさん：「あの。。。夕飯です。。。えと。。。ご飯の時間。。。何にしようか？」

西岡何さん：「Yes?」

一番

Zさん："That meal was delicious! You are a great chef!"

Bさん：「That's very kind of you.」

Zさん："No, seriously, for cooking, you are the GOAT, Greatest Of All Time!"

Bさん：「Thank you! Well... you... are... um... YAGI, Yet Another... Good... Individual...」

Zさん："... I like what you did there... 'A' for effort..." 

Literally Love

Zさん："Hey Fさん, good to see you, how are you and your boyfriend doing?"

Fさん："We're doing well, thanks! I think we are a great couple, like, we're very compatible, and we have a great loving connection! And as you know... there's no 'I' in love!"

Zさん："... um... 愛 is literally love."

Fさん："... what?"

Fried Oysters at a Yakuza-Run Izakaya

Zさん："One time I was wandering around the streets of Roppongi, and I came across a small Izakaya that had a sign that claimed it had the best fried oysters in the city. The restaurant kinda looked like it had Yakuza connections. I had to check it out. So I went in, got a table, and ordered a huge plate of their fried oysters. The oysters were delicious, but also very salty. I ordered a large sake to wash it down. It was very strong sake, so drinking it made me hungry for more oysters... which made me thirsty for more sake... which made me hungry for more oysters... into a downward spiral. Before too long, I lost my inhibitions and got into a heated conversation with some rather large, muscle-bound patrons. That's the last thing I remember. I woke up the next morning in an alley behind the Izakaya, battered, bruised, and hungover. So the moral of the story is this: If you eat at an Yakuza-Run Izakaya, Don't Get カキ。 "

The Duck

Aさん：「... so yeah, so we're all set for the party tomorrow, do you think you can make it?」

Zさん："Don't Know the Duck."

Aさん：「... what, like an Aflac commercial?」

Zさん："No, no... think '鴨しれない'."

Aさん：「Ha! Don't Know the Duck indeed! ... seriously though, try to make it.」

Zさん："Sure."

Sentaku Nebula

Aさん：「So there's this cool show I have been binge watching recently called 'The Expanse.'」

Zさん："I love 'The Expanse' too! That show is awesome, visually stunning, and great story telling."

Cさん：「。。。why watch。。。yesterday's。。。dirty laundry。。。？」

Zさん："What?"

Cさん：「Ex-パンツでしょう。」

Zさん："..."

Aさん：「。。。」

Tense Time

Aさん：「Zさん、おはよう！元気？」

Zさん："元気だよ。"

Aさん：「昨日はどう？」

Zさん："楽しかったでした。"

Aさん：「... I have heard of double negatives, but double past tense? Dude, can I borrow your DeLorian?」

犬を飼う

<Texting...>

Zさん："I have some big news!"

Aさん：「What's that?」

Zさん："I got a new dog!"

Aさん：「Wonderful! What breed?」

Zさん："Great Dane."

Aさん：「That's グレートだね！」

Zさん："... I know, I just said that."

7-11

Zさん："Ready to go to 7-11?"

Aさん：「Yup, let's go. Did you know though that in Japan, '7-11' is actually called 'seven-and-i-holdings', due to some legal requirement of the international conglomerate that owns them.」

Zさん："Wow... Japanese culture is so mathematically advanced that they have started to name stores with complex numbers."

Old World

Zさん："Hey, I didn't know the meaning of the Japanese word 世界. What does 世界 mean? I looked the word up, but could not find it, in your old paperback Japanese-English dictionary."
Aさん：「It means the world.」

Zさん："... sentimental about old-school books, eh?" 

Beat Coronavirus Boredom

Dくん：「*sigh* ... *sigh* ... *sigh* ...」
Zさん："Look, I know you're depressed and bored because of Coronavirus, but could you please not sigh so much?"
Dくん：「... ok... *non-sigh* ... *non-sigh* ...」
Zさん："37"

Beautiful Little Island

Zさん："Ugh. I've had that old Madonna song 'La Isla Bonita' in my head all day."
Aさん：「What does that mean anyway? 'La Isla Bonita'」
Zさん："Beautiful little island, I think, in Spanish it is a female noun."
Aさん：「Is there a male version?」

ミスタースパーコル："Mmm... ボニト..."

Zさん："... well there you go ...

Real Ingredients

Eちゃん：「Hey mister, want to buy some Girl Scout cookies?」
Zさん："Heh, heh, are they made from real Girl Scouts?"
Eちゃん：「Yes, they are. Is that beer you're drinking made from real giraffes?」
Zさん："... touche...!"

That Socks

Zさん：“The term 靴下 confuses me.”
Aさん：「Oh, here we go.」
Zさん：“下 means 'under', as in 机の下(under the desk). So wouldn't  靴下 refer to the ground (under the shoe)? Plus, with a different kanji, 靴舌is pronounced the same, but means a shoe “tongue”. I think 靴中 makes much more sense for socks.”
Aさん：「Here's an idea: just don't wear socks.」
Zさん：“ … and what, wear 下駄？Oh, don't get me started on 下駄！What with the...”
Aさん：「。。。」

The Beauty of the Electromagnetic Spectrum

Bさん：「あっ！その木はきれいですね！花は真っ白ですね。」
Zさん："真っ白? What does that mean?"
Bさん：「Bright white or pure white.」
Zさん："Oh, cool. Can you say the same with other colors, for example, 真っ黄色?"
Bさん：「Absolutely!」
Zさん："Ooo, wait, visual light is only a small part of the EM spectrum. Can you also say 真っ赤外線 or 真っ紫外線?"
Bさん：「I suppose, but the point is...」
Zさん："Or how about 真っガンマ線 or 真っX線? Or perhaps generalize with the simple 真っ電波."
Bさん：「... sure ... poets and artists throughout history have extolled the beauty of the electromagnetic spectrum.」

Interplanetary Termites

Zさん："Why did all of Earth's termites go to Jupiter?"
Aさん：「I don't know, why?」
Zさん："Because Jupiter is もくせい。"

Mr. Willis

Bさん：「コロナウィルスはとても怖いですね。」
Yさん：「そうですようね。みんなさんは心配しているね。」

Zさん："I didn't know Bruce Willis had a brother, but apparently he does, and everyone is scared to death of him."

Abacus

Zさん："Did you know, I got a new abacus?"
Aさん：「Well, did you know I have a hexadecimal abacus.」
Zさん："Well, I have a configurable base-N abacus."
Aさん：「Well, I have a logarithmic abacus.」
Zさん："I have a 256-bit encrypted abacus."
Aさん：「I have a blockchain abacus.」
Zさん："I have a 2-D abacus."
Aさん：「I have a 3-D abacus.」
Zさん："I have a configurable N-dimensional abacus."

Bさん：「I have an abacus with a smiley face sticker and an extra wire for slightly higher numbers!」

Zさん："..."
Aさん：「。。。」

Bさん：「Abacus snobs...」


Math Fans, Happy Pi Day.  For everybody else, 「ハッピー・ホワイト・デー」

Harry Potter and the Delicious Groceries

Zさん："Hi Harry!"
H. Potter: "Hi Z, great to see you! Wow, that's a lot of groceries you have there."
Zさん："Yeah it is. Hey, would you mind carrying them in your ふくろ？"
H. Potter: "No, not at all! ... Hey! Hedwig!"

Hedwig swoops in and eats all the food.

Screwy

Zさん："Look at that woman over there."
Aさん：「What about her?」
Zさん："I've never seen anyone with full, thick, curly hair like that before. It's Super Curly."

ミスタースパーコル：「Mmm...  酸っぱいカレー。」

Zさん："I prefer うまみすきやき, but whatever."

Heck No

(Music plays over loud speakers.)

Bさん：「Oh! I love this song! パッヘルベルでしょう。大好き！」
Zさん："パ？ヘルベル？I dunno, I think I prefer the AC/DC version..."

Kids' Games Part II

Aさん：「ピザを10回速く言ってください。」

Zさん："ピザピザピザピザピザピザピザピザピザピザ。"

Aさん：「ピザを5回速く言ってください。」

Zさん："ピザピザピザピザピザ。"

Aさん：「ピザを3回速く言ってください。」

Zさん："ピザピザピザ。"

Aさん（肘をさす）：「 これは？」

Zさん："ひじ。"

Aさん：「。。。」

Kids' Games Part I

Dくん：「お母さん！しりとりしたい！」

母：「お母さんは忙しい、あとでね。」

Dくん：「しりとりしたい！お願い！」

母：「はい、はい、どうぞ。」

Dくん：「じゃ。。。にんじん！」

母：「。。。」

A New Hope

R2D2 projects a hologram.

Princess Leia: "Help me Obi-wan. You're my only hope."
Luke: "Who? Ben?"
--
Zさん："A Jedi's life, convenient is not."

Like a Cat

Zさん："Hey Aさん、久しぶり！How are you?"
Aさん：「Well, I live in a small apartment, I have bad posture, and I burn my tongue when I drink hot beverages.」
Zさん："... wow, you really are a cat person."

The 5 Stages Of Learning To Read Japanese

1. "Hiragana, Katakana, and Kanji? That's so hard to read. Well, at least I can read the part in Romaji."
2. "Ok, Hiragana and Katakana I got, but Kanji is just impossible. Thank goodness for Hurigana."
3. "Knowing all the basic Kanji helps, I can muddle through."
4. "I hate it when a Japanese sentence has a long stretch of Hiragana in it. Kinda hard to parse."
5. "This Japanese text has a portion written in Romaji. It's a bit awkward..."

大学で探す

Aさん：「Can you help me? I'm new on campus, and I've been wandering around trying to find Gleason Hall, but I can't find it anywhere. ビルない！」
Zさん："... um ... the ... science ... guy ... ?"
Aさん：「。。。what?」

New Year's Resolution

Aさん：「あけましておめでとう！Do you have a New Year's resolution?」
Zさん："Yeah, I started a new diet. I cannot eat anything this week, but I can eat 来週."

ミスタースパーコル：「Mmm... eat rice shoe.」

Zさん："Dude... I thought my diet was tough..."